Getting along with skater chicks

I've been watching the Olymipics lately, and although what I really like is people doing ski tricks and being amazed they don't land on their heads (which is why I guess they make it to the Olympics, since quadraplegics don't compete) I've also sat through some skating with my girlfriend, who appears to like it. Don't get me wrong; I admire their athletic ability. I fall down if I even look at an ice skate. Shit, apparently I fall out of my chair if I type ice skate. Damn, there I go again. Anyway it's really the whole picture, and the fact that those girls scare me. I mean, they have sharp things on their feet and and can kick really high, and well let's be honest, I have a tendency to speak without thinking. Plus, what kind of woman can go out on ice barely dressed like that? You have to be TOUGH. And also having the balls to dress like that in public simply amazes me. Who told them to dress like that? I saw one woman in pants and her outfit wasn't too bad, besides that fact she was wearing a glove on one hand. She fell down. I think she was out of balance because of the glove.
A few nights ago there was this ice dancing team who appeared to be very angry with each other. Apparently he had dropped her or something and they were giving each other severely dirty looks. Now, while I think it's always important to get along with people, wouldn't it be especially important to get along with someone wearing blades on their feet who might knock you on your ass on ice? Plus, these guys have seriously compromised their masculinity - they're frill wearing ice dancers for God's sake - you never know when one might need to bitch slap your ass just to feel butch, right? I kept waiting for them to get into a good old fashioned cat fight. Now that's an Olympic sport; frilly, one gloved , blade footed ass kicking on ice. Tune in at 8.

Bush helps out law student

Today in the news: George Bush took time out of his busy nap and reading lesson schedule to call up a despondent law student who had not only missed three days of classes with alcohol poisoning, but had lost the drinking contest that made him so ill. George took a special interest in the student because he, too, was a barely literate, rich, entitled, drunken cokehead from a family who made billions dealing in middle east oil. "Don't take it so hard!" George told the student. "You need practice at everything. I mean, I had to run several companies into the ground before I had the skills to wreck an entire country. Running your car into a ditch is good practice! Look at me - I drove an entire country into a ditch then took over another one and screwed it up too! We just need to work on your skills." Bush then made a personal visit to the student, who was scraping by with a 2.0 average just as George had, and found that the young man had a particular penchant for blowing money. The student, who had spent thousands of dollars in a night on drugs, drink and hookers for his idiot friends. was wowed by finding out that Bush had blown the country's largest surplus in history within a few months of taking office. Bush bought the drinks that night and gave the student tips on beer bongs and how to surround yourself with evil people who can read in order to maximize one's unearned success.

yay, I'm unacceptable!!!

Since I blow the equivalent of Haiti's national budget each week on coffee, I thought I'd take advantage of something called AdSense where Google puts ads on your blog and sends you money. It didn't even occur to me that calling people buttfucks and offering to sleep with senators would offend them, but they refused to put their ads on my blog because it is apparently rife with 'unacceptable content.' YES!!!! When I was young I tried SO hard to be unacceptable to "the man"; and look at me now, I can do it without even trying!!! Getting older is excellent - and I still get a 28 year old girlfriend who is like, wicked smart and cooks for me too. So bite me, you bigfooted, hairy fucknuts, I'll buy my own damn coffee and thanks for showing me just how much I've grown.

Today I held a ten minute old baby goat on my friend's goat farm and it was so very cool. They can drink from bottles and wobble around right out of the womb. Just as I suspected, even goats are smarter than people. Next week: a visit to a monkey farm. I want to ask George Bush's mother what the hell she did to him.

my theories on cheney

Lately in the news: V.P. Cheney goes hunting and mistakes an old man in an orange vest for a little brown bird. Now, here's my question: what kind of person starts a war, gets countless people killed and then relaxes by going out to shoot little animals? Here are my suggestions: 1. satan 2. satan's minion 3. someone who has sold their soul to satan 4. a vampire 5. a bloodthirsty old fuck.
Given the possible personality profiles, next we must ask how accidental this shooting really was. My theory is that he is jealous of the young guys who "get" to shoot people in Iraq and the blood of little birds just wasn't enough for him - so he figures, hey, I'm the VP, I can obviously get away with anything, and this guy is old; hell, I'll get him in my sights and say it was an accident.
Well, at least he's dedicated to something, even if it is his job as the angel of death. I'd like to contratulate him for his focus. Actually, I wish he were here right now; this room is really hot and we could put a fan behind him and cool the room with the air blown over his icy little heart. Everybody has a purpose.

Rants, babies and stinky air

A follow up thought on yesterday’s rant. I can’t entirely blame someone for wanting to abort a child who will born seriously disabled. People who bear and raise kids with severe disabilities have it hard, and I don’t think I could do it. It’s keeping the kid and actually suing for ‘wrongful birth’ that just seems sick. But then I'm not sure I could deal with having a healthy kid. Especially a baby. All they do is puke and shit and pee and cry for like, a really long time. That just doesn't sound fun to me. Then they grow up and wreck your car. Or was that just me?

Speaking of ranting, I find I rant a lot lately. Overall, I don’t think I handle grief very well, and it isn’t like being in law school helps. The air is so thick with stress, ego, and general pissyness I have to take my clothes to the Laundromat because the residue was clogging up my drains at home. I did come up with a new venture, though: bottle the air and sell it to people who think they might want to apply with a label that says “If this doesn’t make you depressed, shallow or a total bitch, congratulations! You’re ready for law school.” It would be way cheaper and easier than seeing a career counselor or a copy of “What color is your parachute? Or did it just not open?”

The puddle of soul I left downstairs

Yesterday we read a case where a mother sued for ‘wrongful birth’ because her kid was born with Down’s Syndrome and she would have aborted him if the doctor had suggested she have an amniocentesis such that she would have known the kid would be "defective". I had always suspected law school robbed students of their souls, and in fact by the time I finished reading, I felt a little lighter on the inside, there was a strange puddle at my feet and, well, I felt a little more capable of evil than ever before.

Two questions:1. what lawyer filed the action for ‘wrongful birth’, and 2. did he get the keys to the flaming bus to hell right there, or did they come in the mail? Also, can I sue someone for ‘wrongful birth’ if I think they’re an asshole and making the world an uglier place?

I am also wondering how much the kid picked up about this case; Down’s doesn’t generally make you utterly unaware of the world around you. Now there’s some baggage to have: your mom actually sued her doctor over your being born and sits in court testifying about how she would have aborted you if she’d known what you would be like. There ain’t enough whiskey in the world, man, or a therapist that good.

valentine's, or something

So, it's Valentine's day. My girlfriend has choir practice so I guess we'll be hanging out some time later this week. I bought her a tshirt that says "I'm suing my girlfriend's law school for loss of consortium". It's my way of apologizing. Most people will probably think it means I'm not sleeping with her but I am; it's the fact I'm cranky, stressed and busy all the time that probably sucks.
She doesn't bitch, though, which I appreciate. And I don't really care about being all whatever on Valentine's, either. It's not that I'm not romantic. It's that I'm stubborn and don't like to be told what to do or when to do it. I hear about women who get mad at their boyfriends because they don't go get roses and shiny things on Feb 14. Now that's just ignorant. Do you really think some overpriced flowers mean he loves you if they come on a certain day? Incidentally, the Kay's Jeweler's commercials make me sad. Their jingle is "every kiss begins with Kay's". Now that's a crappy relationship; you have to go buy diamonds to get a kiss. I get laid if I take a shower. I did stop by the mall and pick up a ring for her after school yesterday, though. But I did it because I wanted to; not because it's Valentine's day; let's be clear about that. OK, I did it to make her happy. Whatever. But what's great about her is that she'll know the real expression of love isn't the ring, it's that I went to the mall, which I find barely preferable to being chewed on by small animals.

As for the other half of it, she told me yesterday she hadn't gotten me anything for Valentine's, and seemed upset about it. I honestly don't care. I'm just grateful she puts up with me; as long as she's happy, that's all the gift I need.

Open letter to NC Republican Party

Dear buttfucks:
I had the misfortune last night to run across your party platform in the course of doing some research and after regaining my appetite, decided I'd like to address a few issues. The first is that you spend more time under the "family" article stomping gay people than supporting any idea of family. Nice! I can see where your heads are at; up each other's butts. Now, in this asinine little paragraph, I found it interesting how you take pains to oppose "special treatment by law based on nothing but homosexual behavior". Poor legal argument. Nobody is asking for special treatment. We're not even asking for you to throw us parades. We have our own and they're way cooler than any bullshit you'd throw together anyway. We're just sick of being second class citizens and seeing kids go kill themselves because shitheads like you threw them out of the house when they came out to you. Nice support of family. Take your dyke daughter out to dinner and tell her you're sorry. That's support of family.
Another brief note on a brief and unconscionable provision. So your platform is to oppose mental health provision in schools because it undermines parental authority? What is WRONG with you? How often do you think this conversation happens: "Junior, I can tell you're really screwed up over my being a crack whore and your dad molesting you; how about I smoke a couple rocks and we'll go find you a therapist?" Who are these kids supposed to turn to? The overworked teacher with 46 students in a stinky room who has to go home and eat peanut butter because you won't give her a fucking raise? She can probably barely remember half of their names. Then you get pissy because theses kids grow up to be criminals. What do you expect? Get out of your Lexus and look around you. If you're going to make public policy, make it for the public, not for yourselves.

Shoot Red Bull

I work occasionally at a rock climbing gym, not because it pays enough to cover my gas getting there, but so I can get in free whenever I manage to get off my ass, which isn't much anymore. Anyway last night I spent the night there for a boy scout's overnighter party. I want to put this out there right now: if anyone can find, and shoot, the person who invented those damn 'energy drinks' that make eleven year olds scream and run in circles until 4 a.m., I will personally defend them pro bono. I mean it. Also, if any legislator out there can put a minimum age on buying those things, I will not only vote for him or her, I will also sleep with him or her, especially if it's a her, and she's all hot and stuff, and my girlfriend wouldn't mind. Since she went with me last night, I think she'll understand. C'mon, senators. I'm cute and I always vote.

hopalong

so my blog is starting off kind of sad because some fat dog some idiot let run loose killed one of my cats this week. we buried him in the future flower garden and i skipped class that day and haven't paid much attention this week, which isn't good considering I'm in law school, but I just haven't given a fuck about the statutory definition of anything.

my girlfriend has been really supportive, which is good. she's a cat lesbian too, which is important. there are two kinds of lesbians: cat lesbians and dog lesbians, and never the twain should meet. Dog lesbians want the dogs to sleep in the bed and dogs take up too much room and smell. i can't imagine having sex with a smelly dog huffing in the bed. too much like a guy. Dog lesbians are very defensive about their dogs, too. I don't really mind dogs, like I don't really mind guys, but again, i don't want to sleep with either.

cat lesbians are also a little more independent, which i like. Women who build lives around their relationships scare me a little. Get a life, you know? Sorry your job driving a truck isn't that fulfilling but maybe you should get a hobby or something. I have to study.