A few tips for the young chicks

I forget how old I am sometimes. I wasn't paying attention for like, 10 years so once in a while I remember I've already seen my 40th birthday and am surprised. Apparently, time goes on whether you are paying attention or not. Also, shit changes. Here's my list so far.

1. You may gain a whole bra size. Think that's great? Underwires pinch and your back hurts. This is only partially equaled out by your girlfriend/boyfriend's happy grin. Well, sometimes it's outweighed. How big do they grin?

2. Testosterone. Now you know why young guys drive like they are in a fucking video game and punch each other in bars. About three days each month you are lucky to stay out of jail. It is in everyone's best interest that you not be armed. Seriously.

3. You no longer give a fuck. This is nice. All that worrying about what other people think? Pretty much gone. Others realize they can't push you around anymore. You're likely to hit them in the head with your 4 inch heel - or hiking boot, as the case may be, and tell them to kiss your ass. You will mean it. They will know this. It will be wonderful.

4. All that youthful anxiety about sex? Also pretty much gone. MMMMMM. Straight women, however, have a problem because the older guys are getting lame. Romping about with a young guy who has some stamina may look silly. However, see #3; fortunately, you won't care, and your friends will actually be jealous. "Cradle robber" translates to "lucky bitch." Meanwhile, us lesbians are throwing down with other chicks who have lost their inhibitions. Go ahead, say it: "lucky bitch."

5. Your back wants to go out. This is quite painful. It is also an excuse to eat ice cream and lay on the floor watching "Charmed" for 7 hours straight. MMMMM, Alyssa Milano.

I could go on, but I've got better things to do. Oh, also you get bored with navel-gazing, which gives you a lot more time to do something useful with your time. So, for y'all young chicks,be anxious and enjoy that lower back. It's one of the few things you'll miss when it's gone.