Recommendations

It's that time of year again! Law professors are getting requests for recommendations. It is a lot of work, I am sure. I actually got one and helped write it so it's nice. However, I am thinking that since students vary greatly, that letters vary as well. As a matter of fact, I found this one crumpled up in the trash when I was pulling out plastic bottles that people are too motherfucking lazy to recycle.[**note for legal purposes: everything I write in this blog is bullshit. Almost. It's true that a lot of people are too fucking lazy to recycle at our law school. They will actually throw plastic bottles in the trash right beside the recyling bin. I know they can read, so I guess they are just sorry ass inconsiderate ground water poisoning buttheads. The little kids who live near the landfill thank you, asshole.] So, here it is, just by way of example. If there are any law professors reading who are stumped as to how to write recommendation letters, perhaps this will give you some inspiration.
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Dear Anonymous Firm,

I am writing in response to Tweaker Student’s request for a job recommendation. Tweaker is obsessed with being right, willing to give up friends, family and health for grades, and gloats over GPA points with remarkable skill. I recommend Tweaker for your Shallow Fuck position, but hesitate to recommend this particular student for anything that requires dealing with other human beings on an authentic level.

While Tweaker is able to memorize large amounts of material, guess what will be on an exam and thus presents you with a fine GPA, Tweaker will only help others when it is strategically designed to make others know how smart Tweaker is. A truly energetic interrupter, Tweaker is able to jump tall egos in a single bound, and is good at making sure other people overhear conversations about this or that ‘A’ on an exam, assuming they care or will be impressed. Tweaker has a remarkable ability to ignore helpful suggestions and is quick to point out what are perceived as other’s mistakes.

These skills will make Tweaker an excellent Shallow Fuck or Annoying Junior Partner. I must point out, however, that Tweaker will have great difficulty developing rapport with a jury, making clients feel comfortable or cared about, and will probably wind up spending most evenings getting drunk in an expensive chair choking on a growing emptiness and a developing heart condition wondering about that third divorce. Should you wish to hire Tweaker, I would recommend at some point in the next few years compiling a list of good rehab facilities.

Good luck in your search to fill this position and do not hesitate to call should you have any further questions.


Law Professor
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But I'm sure this isn't a form letter. Or is it?