Southern translation

I am unequivocally southern. I mean born in a trailer on a tobacco farm, childhood on the back of a tractor, tomato sandwich, secretly hold men who don't carry pocket knives and know how to fix things suspect southern. Now, there are technically southern areas, such as Virginia, who don't share some of the things I do with people I've talked to about this from Alabama and Georgia and North Carolina; there is an area of the country where, well, we do things a certain way. One of them is that one must NOT be direct! I have come to realize that people from other ares just don't understand the code, and that this causes a problem in communication. Therefore, I thought I would use this entry to help them out with a few translations. OK, here is a crash course in what a southerner - particularly a southern girl - really means when she's talking to you.

"Bless her heart". = She's ignorant and I feel sorry for the silly bitch.

"Bless his heart". = He's a dumbass who doesn't know any better, the poor bastard.

"We have this problem with X and I'm not doing such a great job by myself. I need your help." = Dammit, I'm doing all the work and I'm going to strangle you if you don't get on the ball.

"Honey, I'm at the vet with Stinker and he's hurt! I'm really worried about him." = I'm at the vet and you should show me you love me by dropping whatever you are doing and coming up here right now. Otherwise you will not be getting laid for at least 2 weeks.

"I don't know about all that." = That sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.

In guestimating an amount: "right much". = Not quite a LOT, but more than an average amount. You know, right much.

"Well, you know, she tried." = How pathetic. My cow could have done better.

"That's just the way he is". = I'll punch you if you say one more thing about my boy.

"Hey y'all, watch this!" = I am endangering my health and welfare for your amusement! Pay attention and act impressed if I don't break anything!

"That's nice". = That's not nice, or I don't give a rat's ass, depending on the circumstances. Anyway, shutup.

Mom to daughter: "Oh, you got your hair done. (silence). " = it looks like you had your hair cut by a blind woodchopper. What the hell were you thinking? You're going to shave that off and get a wig, though, right?

Guy to woman: "Oh, honey, I don't care none about my birthday, you don't have to get me anything." = get me something. something cool. it's my birthday, woman.

Woman to guy: "Oh honey, don't worry about Valentine's day. I know you love me." = You had better show up with something, but make it more original than roses and chocolate. Don't be late, either, unless you want to be taking cold showers until you have made this up to me.

Hope that helps the less rural of you, bless your hearts!