On principle, direct evidence of a shitty day

I had a bad day today. It could have been worse; I could have cholera or children. But it was a rough one, nonetheless. I got up before dawn to meet a friend for our weekly early a.m. hike through Duke Forest. Occasionally this strikes me as strange because a few years ago, I never saw dawn single-vision and certainly not after having any sleep. So, it began to rain and I left. For some reason instead of driving I had taken my groovy new scooter. On the way back, I had to go to the bathroom really, really bad, pulled up in front of a gas station, got off without turning off the engine and in front of like 20 people wiped out, busting my leg up and scraping up the side of my new scooter. So I had to be embarrassed, pee and ride home muddy and bleeding. Actually my blood and pride don't bother me, it's the damn paint job; I will heal, paint will not. That's the thing about paint.

Moving along, I was late for a meeting with a professor because I remembered the time wrong. She was gracious about it. I felt stupid. Also, today we had evidence which is just a bad day in and of itself. Listening to the professor is like watching a game of fucking whack-a-mole. She's all over the place and just makes us do the problems in the book without explanation. "Jimmy Joe, number 5" "Uh, yeah, it's hearsay." "Why?" "Because it's about the ice cream, not the socks". "No, it's about the windows." "Oh." "Ok. tommy toes, number 6". And so on.

Then, I rode my scooter in the rain to my new job to reup my CPR and first aid training, where you would think they'd feed us between 5 and 9, but they didn't. How the hell are you gong to make people watch videos for 3 hours and not feed them? I hope whoever planned that will never need me to treat them for an electrical burn or whatever they were talking about on that tape.

So I got home soaking wet because I was too stubborn to call my girlfriend to pick me up, and as if I needed more torture, looked up the federal rules of evidence online. Here is the quote of the day: "On principle it scarcely seems open to doubt that the hearsay rule should not call for exclusion of a hearsay statement which includes a further hearsay statement when both conform to the requirements of a hearsay exception." On principle. Someone should be tied to a canoe and put out to sea for writing that. On principle, I will never, never make enough money to have had to deal with Evidence class. On principle, no one should go to law school and I should have stayed where I was. On principle. . .I'll let this go for now and take my principled ass on to eat pizza and climb in bed like today never happened, just on principle.

Run for your ego! Run!

School starts back tomorrow. I'm as ready as I'm going to be; it's the new students I'm worried about. I helped out with orientation for them the other day and answered questions like "are the tests open book?" No. The book would not help you anyway. What is this legal writing class? It's hazing. Get a crystal ball because they will not tell you what they want. You will be as confused after assignments as before them and will learn almost nothing. Stuff like that. This semester I'm tutoring Contracts, which, frankly, most people get or they don't. I will meet with them one hour per week as a class and hope for the best. For me, not them. I already passed Contracts.

Given that there are thousands of bright eyed fools entering law school this semester, I thought I'd go ahead and give you guys a few pieces of overall advice. Here it goes.

1. Run.
2. Run now.
3. Law school will make you fat and blind. Start looking for coupons for eye exams and join a gym. You will need them both.
4. Think you're smart? Good luck with that. The first day you feel like a complete idiot, remember that I told you so.
5. Don't be an asshole. I'm serious about this. Law school is hard enough without you being a little prick and adding to other people's stress. You are not special. Deal with it.
6. If you don't own a coffee maker, buy one. No one escapes caffeine addiction. You will have a .4 blood coffee level by the end of your first semester, so I also recommend not drinking crap. Spend the couple of bucks and get some decent beans. Do you want your blood to be almost half Food Lion grounds swept off the floor of some dismal factory? Didn't think so.
7. Don't freak out. The first year is designed to scare the shit out of you. People stupider than you have passed. Take a breath and get a grip.
8. This is not your whole life. Don't spend 18 hours a day on it. One day you will wake up looking like hell, fat, lonely, crazy and realize you never learned a thing after 10 p.m. anyway, meaning you didn't make more than a point or two better on any exam than people who went to the movies and got some sleep. I never studied past 10, my girlfriend hasn't left me and I got a tutoring job. What does that tell you? Put the fucking book DOWN.
9. Classes are for everybody in there, they are not your private tutoring session. Learn to shut the fuck up. Quick questions are one thing. If you are talking as much as half the other people combined, once again, shut the fuck up. The other students are not there to pay for your education.
10. Good luck, kid, you're going to need it!

Southern translation

I am unequivocally southern. I mean born in a trailer on a tobacco farm, childhood on the back of a tractor, tomato sandwich, secretly hold men who don't carry pocket knives and know how to fix things suspect southern. Now, there are technically southern areas, such as Virginia, who don't share some of the things I do with people I've talked to about this from Alabama and Georgia and North Carolina; there is an area of the country where, well, we do things a certain way. One of them is that one must NOT be direct! I have come to realize that people from other ares just don't understand the code, and that this causes a problem in communication. Therefore, I thought I would use this entry to help them out with a few translations. OK, here is a crash course in what a southerner - particularly a southern girl - really means when she's talking to you.

"Bless her heart". = She's ignorant and I feel sorry for the silly bitch.

"Bless his heart". = He's a dumbass who doesn't know any better, the poor bastard.

"We have this problem with X and I'm not doing such a great job by myself. I need your help." = Dammit, I'm doing all the work and I'm going to strangle you if you don't get on the ball.

"Honey, I'm at the vet with Stinker and he's hurt! I'm really worried about him." = I'm at the vet and you should show me you love me by dropping whatever you are doing and coming up here right now. Otherwise you will not be getting laid for at least 2 weeks.

"I don't know about all that." = That sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.

In guestimating an amount: "right much". = Not quite a LOT, but more than an average amount. You know, right much.

"Well, you know, she tried." = How pathetic. My cow could have done better.

"That's just the way he is". = I'll punch you if you say one more thing about my boy.

"Hey y'all, watch this!" = I am endangering my health and welfare for your amusement! Pay attention and act impressed if I don't break anything!

"That's nice". = That's not nice, or I don't give a rat's ass, depending on the circumstances. Anyway, shutup.

Mom to daughter: "Oh, you got your hair done. (silence). " = it looks like you had your hair cut by a blind woodchopper. What the hell were you thinking? You're going to shave that off and get a wig, though, right?

Guy to woman: "Oh, honey, I don't care none about my birthday, you don't have to get me anything." = get me something. something cool. it's my birthday, woman.

Woman to guy: "Oh honey, don't worry about Valentine's day. I know you love me." = You had better show up with something, but make it more original than roses and chocolate. Don't be late, either, unless you want to be taking cold showers until you have made this up to me.

Hope that helps the less rural of you, bless your hearts!